On July 8, 2011 my
close friend and brother passed away. It took us by surprise and left a hole in
our hearts that doesn’t seem to heal. He was 45 years old and found lying in
his yard. The cause of death was ruled a heart attack. At times I think that I
am slowly getting over his passing, and other times I feel like all the air has
been taken from me.
I live about 45
minutes away from where he did. Seven months before he died the Charmed One and
I bought this house in the town I lovingly refer to as Podunk. It had certain
things I was looking for. I didn’t want neighbors close. I've always been more
of a country girl who likes her space. It had nice land. I envisioned doing a
lot aesthetically to the landscape. After so many years working with plants I
couldn’t wait to plant at our own place. The house itself is beautiful too. At
least in our eyes!
The last time I saw
my brother he came over to help cut up a big limb that had fallen in the yard.
He showed up at nine a.m. sharp because anything later it would be too hot to
be working outdoors. Afterwards we went to the garden and I showed him what was
growing. We talked a long time about different things including our mom and
dad’s 50th wedding anniversary that was just a few short months away. Even
though we were the two farthest away it looked like we were going to do all the
major planning.
Here’s the thing
though. My brother was dealing with some major stress in his life. I had
watched his hair go from red to gray in just a short period of time. I tried to
be there for him as much as I could. That last time I saw him he offered me a
Guinness, to which the Charmed One wished him luck in getting me to drink before
evening. I just am not an afternoon drinker. Well… It was Guinness! We’re
Irish. We don’t say no to a good Guinness, right? We had a beer together, and
we ate a lunch that included a squash casserole that he fell in love with. We
talked about his stresses and I begged him to make up his mind about what he
was doing. I told him about a friend I had from high school who just passed
away two weeks before. She was 39 years old and had suffered a heart attack. He looked
up at me with surprise. When he went to leave the Charmed One gave him a hug.
He turned and his big sad brown eyes fell on me. I just gave him a smile and
watched him get in his truck and leave. That was the last time I saw him. Two
weeks later I got the call.
Why am I sitting
here crying my eyes out and writing this?
After he passed it
was pure hell. My family came down from New York, and three of his closest
friends from high school made the trip to say their goodbyes. For a month after
that my family considered having a memorial for him in New York. Many friends
and other family wanted the chance to pay their respects. In mid August we gave them
that chance. For about a month and a half it was like we couldn’t move on. So as
soon as the wheels of the plane hit the tarmac coming back to Charlotte I felt
a weight lifted from my shoulders. I know it may sound strange, but it’s true.
The next week is
when I visited Savannah for the second time in my life. We spent a couple of
days walking the streets, tasting the flavors, and inhaling the southern charm
of the historic city. For the first time in a long time I felt like I could
take a deep breath. I felt my stresses fall away with each historic square,
each clickity clomp of horses hooves on the cobblestone streets, or each
hospitable greeting from a complete stranger. I finally felt a sense of
happiness again.
It was at that point
we decided to move there. We had some things we had to clear up first here,
which we did, and most of you know the house was put up for sale.
As of right now the
house is under contract with new buyers. Barring anything going wrong we will
close in April.
With that news I am
extremely happy and overwhelmingly sad. All of my worries come to the front
burner now. Two months ago this was a good move, but due to personal reasons
now we’re not sure. It is more of a risk now than before. There will always be
the lingering thoughts of, “Is this the right thing to do?”
Other thoughts flood
me as well. I almost feel like I am saying goodbye to my brother all over
again, if that makes any sense. It still pains me to go near where he lived. If
I cross over the lake I think of all the times we went fishing together. But if I
have learned one thing from this whole ordeal it is that life is short. Way too
short. If we don’t grab this opportunity now then we may not get another chance
for a couple more years. I personally think that the longer I stay here in
Podunk the more miserable I will become. Then of course I wonder if I am being
selfish.
I just feel like I’m
in a holding pattern on my life. The plane I’m on makes big swooping circles
around Charlotte and Savannah. That plane is sputtering and about to run out of
gas though. It looks like we’ll be landing in Savannah. I’m scared about living
a city life, although I've thought about nothing other than that life for quite some
time. I’m ready for a change, and this may be just the thing that will
alter our sails in the right direction.
Yes I’m happy. But
the tears that keep forming in my eyes remind me of other happy times too. This
is one time I can really use the term bitter sweet and mean it whole heartedly.
What’s a hard decision you've made lately? If you could move anywhere
where would you choose? Do you take risks or like to stay safe?
W.P.I.
- In Victorian times, certain
flowers had specific meanings because the flower selection was limited and
people used more symbols and gestures to communicate than words. I think I will
get my niece (Shawn’s daughter) some Forget-Me-Nots, Larkspur, which means
beautiful spirit, or Pansies which mean loving thoughts.
I think Shawn would want you to be happy and if Savannah is where it is then that's where you should go. I know losing dad was hard....i couldnt imagine losing my brother so unexpectedly! You are not being selfish....just taking the steps! We all love you
ReplyDeleteThanks! Loss is hard no matter what the circumstance. I'm sorry about your father. And yes, taking steps in the right direction is a good thing!
DeleteLove you too!