Monday, June 3, 2013

Critique This! Please?

The Sister Pact
            Sydney sat in her favorite spot on the porch of the weathered beach house, the salty air sticking to her skin, the oncoming storm blowing in. She closed her eyes when she heard the creaky door open. All the preparation in the world couldn’t prepare her for this. She lifted her teary eyes to meet those of the woman standing in front of her, the nurse.

            “Sydney, you two had a deal. When the time came you were to leave. Your sister wanted it this way.” Sympathy filled her.  
            Tears left Sydney’s eyes. She gave the nurse a nod then ran next door to her house. Off went her shorts and tank top. On came the jeans and tee. She grabbed her black studded boots that went half way up her calf, and her leather jacket. Syd searched for calm.
            Jake looked through the window of his bar and watched waves crash against the sand. It was a family owned bar, handed down through the generations. The clientele ranged from bikers to businessmen, rich to poor. Such a mix could be dangerous, but this place just seemed to make everyone equal.
            Something caught his eye. He fought a smile when he saw a motorcycle start the twisting descent down the hill. The driver eased the bike through the curves, even if the speed was a little too fast. Jake watched the motorcycle hit flatland and pick up speed. His smile faltered when it seemed the bike was going too fast to turn in. At the last minute the driver leaned into the turn, pulled in the parking lot, and parked the bike. As soon as the helmet came off waves of long brown hair fell past the woman’s shoulders. Jake found himself smiling. He couldn’t help it; this woman always did that to him.
            She stepped into the bar and ran her fingers through her hair, trying to take away the always fashionable helmet head. His smile faded when she looked to him. Her posture was tense, her familiar easy smile nowhere to be found. As soon as she sat down he went to her. “What’s wrong?”
            “Hey to you too.” She let out a breath and wiped her eyes.
            “Sydney, talk to me. What is it?” Suddenly it all kicked in. Her twin, Savannah.
            Sydney inhaled a ragged breath. “Can I get a drink here, barkeep? I’ll have a shot.”
            Jake put the cloth down on the bar and grabbed her hand. “Is is Savannah?”
            Sydney nodded and closed her eyes. She was trying desperately not to lose it. “Please, Jake?”
            Jake held her hand and stared into her bright blue eyes. “I’m sorry, but I promised Savannah that when the time came I wouldn’t let you do this. She knew you would want to drink. And from what I just saw watching you on the bike I’m definitely not serving you. You’re reckless enough.”
            Sydney felt lost. Now, of all times, she needed to be with her twin. This stupid agreement they made was supposed to make it easier on Sydney. Now Syd only wanted to be next to her sister in her biggest time of need. They were twins. When one hurt so did the other. She bowed her head and started to cry again.
            Jake came around the bar and wrapped his arms around her, letting her cry. After just a minute she stood abruptly and turned to leave. “Syd, wait. Where are you going?”
            “I can’t stay here. I have to go.” Before he could say another word she walked out and drove off. Sydney drove the motorcycle fast and hard. She needed to feel the wind against her face, the fresh air in her lungs. She just needed to feel. Finally she made it to her favorite spot high above the ocean and parked. As she eased off the bike she felt lighter. Somehow the weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

            Jake found her at the cliff above their house. She sat near the edge, her knees pulled up to her chest. He sat down behind her and pulled her into him. “I’m here for you, now and forever.”
            “You don’t know how much I love that. Why did we make this agreement? I can’t handle it.”
            “You made this agreement because she knew when the time came you would spaz.” He hugged her tighter.
            “When do I ever spaz, Jake?” Tears left her eyes as she looked out to the tranquil ocean.
            “Do you remember when you saw a spider in the house last year? You called every bug man within a fifty mile radius until one could get out there right that minute. It was one spider. That was a little spazzy.” A slow smile came to him.
            “The thing was bigger than my fist!” Sydney turned to him. “I love you.”
            “I love you too. I just got the call.” His words hung in the air while she tried to absorb them.
            “And? It’s over?”
            “Yes. She had a girl.” His smile widened. “And a boy. They are both healthy.”
            “She had twins?” Sydney’s mouth dropped open. Jake pulled her to her feet. They laughed and cried in each other’s arms until she finally pulled away. She gazed into his bright eyes and smiled.
            “Now, when do we start our family?” He gently rubbed her cheek.
            “How about now?” Sydney stood on her tip toes and placed a long, sultry kiss on his lips as the rain started to fall.

  That is the last short short story I entered for competition. The competition peeps wanted a surprise ending. I gave it my best shot, and once again lost. This was a twenty four hour contest so editing is limited to what I can do myself. Obviously I added pictures to this blog just for show! Feel free to critique. Any form of objectivity would help. 
  Do I just suck and need to hang it up? Do you have any advice for writing a short short story? Did it at least make you smile?  


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