Monday, August 11, 2014

Self Diagnosing

      Lately I've become more aware of a couple of my... er... personality quirks. Yeah, that's a good way to put it. Personality quirks. Maybe someone pointed it out to me, or maybe I kind of figured it out on my own (unlikely :)). Either way I have noticed my mind is making me work overtime. 

      Keep in mind I am self diagnosing for the most part. Or I was until tonight. Then I took a test online and found out my thoughts may be true. I've been telling friends and family that I think I may have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I searched it on Google, read a little, and took a test one site offered. 

      At first all of my answers were no. I thought the questions were a little wacky. I started to think my thought process was all wrong. Then I hit a question that was along my lines of thinking. And another. Then another. By the time all was said and done I had scored a 12. Lo and behold a 12 and higher means the chances are high that I have OCD. Bummer.

      I know that many times when people hear OCD they may think of people who constantly need to wash their hands, but this disorder is much more than that. I worry that I've left the coffee pot on. All the time. Or that I've left the garage door open (when we lived in Podunk.) There were quite a few times that I would get up to ten minutes away from the house and turn around and go back to make sure that I did turn the coffee pot off, or close the garage door. 

      At first I just thought I wasn't focused. Which is likely. But it happens still. A lot. That is one aspect of the disorder. The second is the big one, that I didn't notice much until lately. Like since I started this job. It has been getting more noticeable to me. I will admit the Charmed One didn't believe that I had many characteristics of OCD until I read this, "Doubters and sinners are afraid that if everything isn't perfect or done just right something terrible will happen or they will be punished." (

      That, my friends, sums me up in one tidy little sentence. I don't know why, but recently I've noticed that I try to be perfect (this only seems to be at my job). I strive to be as near to perfect as possible, even though I know its not possible. Which is screwing me up. I don't know if that makes sense. I messed something up the other day and now my sleep is broken because I have mind chatter. I think of this screw up and fret. Charmed One tries to tell me that I'm being crazy, or that what I think of as a screw up is a minor thing, but my body will not let it go. I'm nervous and jerky. Anxious. I think I have a fear of getting yelled at, or fired. And even I know if that were the case, which it will not be, there are more jobs out there. I will perservere. But my mind cannot wrap around that thought, no. It constantly thinks about that one screw up. 

      I love what I do. Maybe that is why I have a horrendous fear of messing up. This job came to me at a very bad time in my life. It picked me up when I was at my lowest, and I don't want to disappoint. And sometimes that is exactly what I feel I've done.

      I'm done now. All that is a little crazy considering it was an online test, isn't it? Or that this whole thing started from a self diagnosis? I do know that singers don't always hit the right note, artists don't always create a masterpiece, and running backs will eventually fumble. No one is perfect. Apparently I need to tell myself that all the time. 

      Do you self diagnose? Do you know anyone with OCD? Am I being overly sensitive to my personality quirks? 


1 comment:

  1. We all self diagnose in some way, shape or form. When you get mind locked in on a certain task or function that you think might get criticized...picture one of your co-workers! They certainly screw up enough and yet no firing or yelling! You are fine...