Monday, August 11, 2014

Self Diagnosing

      Lately I've become more aware of a couple of my... er... personality quirks. Yeah, that's a good way to put it. Personality quirks. Maybe someone pointed it out to me, or maybe I kind of figured it out on my own (unlikely :)). Either way I have noticed my mind is making me work overtime. 

      Keep in mind I am self diagnosing for the most part. Or I was until tonight. Then I took a test online and found out my thoughts may be true. I've been telling friends and family that I think I may have OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I searched it on Google, read a little, and took a test one site offered. 

      At first all of my answers were no. I thought the questions were a little wacky. I started to think my thought process was all wrong. Then I hit a question that was along my lines of thinking. And another. Then another. By the time all was said and done I had scored a 12. Lo and behold a 12 and higher means the chances are high that I have OCD. Bummer.

      I know that many times when people hear OCD they may think of people who constantly need to wash their hands, but this disorder is much more than that. I worry that I've left the coffee pot on. All the time. Or that I've left the garage door open (when we lived in Podunk.) There were quite a few times that I would get up to ten minutes away from the house and turn around and go back to make sure that I did turn the coffee pot off, or close the garage door. 

      At first I just thought I wasn't focused. Which is likely. But it happens still. A lot. That is one aspect of the disorder. The second is the big one, that I didn't notice much until lately. Like since I started this job. It has been getting more noticeable to me. I will admit the Charmed One didn't believe that I had many characteristics of OCD until I read this, "Doubters and sinners are afraid that if everything isn't perfect or done just right something terrible will happen or they will be punished." (helpguide.org)

      That, my friends, sums me up in one tidy little sentence. I don't know why, but recently I've noticed that I try to be perfect (this only seems to be at my job). I strive to be as near to perfect as possible, even though I know its not possible. Which is screwing me up. I don't know if that makes sense. I messed something up the other day and now my sleep is broken because I have mind chatter. I think of this screw up and fret. Charmed One tries to tell me that I'm being crazy, or that what I think of as a screw up is a minor thing, but my body will not let it go. I'm nervous and jerky. Anxious. I think I have a fear of getting yelled at, or fired. And even I know if that were the case, which it will not be, there are more jobs out there. I will perservere. But my mind cannot wrap around that thought, no. It constantly thinks about that one screw up. 

      I love what I do. Maybe that is why I have a horrendous fear of messing up. This job came to me at a very bad time in my life. It picked me up when I was at my lowest, and I don't want to disappoint. And sometimes that is exactly what I feel I've done.

      I'm done now. All that is a little crazy considering it was an online test, isn't it? Or that this whole thing started from a self diagnosis? I do know that singers don't always hit the right note, artists don't always create a masterpiece, and running backs will eventually fumble. No one is perfect. Apparently I need to tell myself that all the time. 

      Do you self diagnose? Do you know anyone with OCD? Am I being overly sensitive to my personality quirks? 

      
      

1 comment:

  1. We all self diagnose in some way, shape or form. When you get mind locked in on a certain task or function that you think might get criticized...picture one of your co-workers! They certainly screw up enough and yet no firing or yelling! You are fine...

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